After spending nearly 12 hours at the Expo yesterday, I’m pretty exhausted, although this did not prevent my semi-jetlagged self from getting up at 9AM today. Woohoo, I guess I’ve rejoined the world of normal people.

For today’s post, I thought I’d do something new, so instead of writing a straight-up editorial, I’ve provided a list of things you should keep in mind before you visit the Shanghai Expo this year.

Jeff’s Checklist for a Better Shanghai Expo Experience

–Disclaimer: Won’t reduce the length of any lines, but will make your wait a whole lot more interesting.–

1. STOP. Before you read any farther, I just want to reiterate the disclaimer. Lines at the Expo will be long, regardless of when you visit and what pavilions you decide to go to. I mean, there are 1.3 billion people in China, how can you expect things to not be crowded? (p.s. the legal nerd inside me is screaming because that’s not actually a valid discalimer.)
2. If you want to get access to the China Pavilion, then good luck. There’s a limit of 50,000 tickets per day, and they’re usually gone within the first 10 minutes of the park’s opening (9AM). So you basically have three options: (1) you can either choose to go Black Friday style and start waiting at the gates insanely early, (2) wait near the Chinese Pavilion throughout the day hoping to get lucky (that someone who actually bothered to go through part (1) SOMEHOW decided to give up his or her ticket…I dunno, that’s like asking a fat boy to give up his ice cream.), or, if you’re relatively sane like me, (3) you can come back to Shanghai some time in the future, since the Chinese Pavilion is not going to be taken down after the Expo. (Nonetheless, I expect that they’re going to charge a hefty entrance fee.)
3. BRING A WATER BOTTLE. Now this may seem like a silly idea once you realize there are drinking fountains everywhere, but let’s not forget the cardinal rule of Expo 2010: lines are long. You don’t want to look like a dumbass while you’re in the middle of a 4 hour queue. Nobody likes a whiner. Especially not a thirsty whiner. So do us a favor and pack yourself a water bottle. (Note: when I say a water bottle I mean an EMPTY water bottle, NOT a bottle of water. There is a big difference–one makes your backpack marginally heavier and the other will get confiscated at the gates–and, I guess, will have the subsequent effect of making your backpack lighter…but you’ll realize what a big mistake that was once you’re in the middle of that 4 hour queue.)
4. While you’re at it, it won’t hurt to bring a few shitload of snacks for your waiting-in-line party. (For some reason, food is allowed but water is not.) I recommend fruits and high-energy stuff, whatever that may be.
5. Why am I telling you to stock up on your own supply of food and water? Well, the only logical conclusion is that FOOD IS EXPENSIVE. I mean really expensive, like 40 RMB for a bowl of wontons expensive, or like 50 RMB for a mango smoothie expensive. Let’s face it, Chinese people are born with an innate sense of supply and demand (they don’t need to take some college course to understand that basic principle–hell, most of them probably don’t even go to college…but I digress). Basically, what I’m trying to say is that they will not hesitate to rip you (the unfortunate foreigner who did not heed Jeff’s advice) and your wallet to shreds. If you think about it, it’s quite a brilliant business model, because unless you want to leave the park, grab food, and then come back (and wait in line again), you’re essentially trapped in the Expo park for the whole day, and so you have no choice but to pay a steep premium for mediocre food. LESSON: remember to pack lunch you noob! End of story.
6. Bring one of those folding chairs, or better yet, one of those canes that fold into a chair (available only in China, the last time I checked). You may look like a retard, and you might get ridiculed by the other Americans, but you’ll have the last laugh once they realize that it’s been 30 minutes and the line has barely budged. Plus, you’ll get to bond with old Chinese people who also brought their own chairs. Yeah, they know what’s up.
7. Bring an umbrella. Americans tend to underestimate the usefulness of an umbrella. But all Asians know that umbrellas serve two functions: (1) block the rain and (2) block the sun (*gasp*). And if you’re going to be walking around outside and waiting in line all day, then you’re going to need both. (Poor man’s alternative: a hat. Although I’m pretty sure an umbrella might be cheaper in China.).
8. In case you haven’t figured it out, bring a comfortable pair of sneakers! I realized the hard way that tennis shoes, because of their added weight, are actually not ideal for walking long distances (or to be traveling in at all). And dress according to the weather. Do what you need to do to make your day less painful.
9. Hmmm, so you’ve pretty much gathered that you’re going to face ridiculous waits no matter where you go. But here are a few tricks that might make it less painful, or help you avoid them altogether.
10. Get someone in your party to play injured (mean version: injure someone in your party). Bottom line: find a way to get someone in a wheelchair (hopefully only temporarily), and the rest of your visit to the Expo will be smooth sailing. While this method is morally questionable, it certainly is effective. Once again, ask those old Chinese people in wheelchairs. Yeah, they know what’s up.
11. If your not completely morally ambiguous/corrupted, then you may vouch for a more dignified method: ticket reservations. There are several places in the park where you can reserve tickets for certain pavilions ahead of time. You’ll be assigned a certain visitation time (not of your choosing), and you’ll be able to avoid the lines as long as you visit precisely at that time. The downside, of course, is that this might effectively ruin your entire schedule for the day, so just keep that in mind and plan accordingly.
12. If you want any chance of getting into the Saudi Arabia and Japan Pavilions, you better be prepared to stand in line for (literally) 2 hours at least. These are the hottest pavilions right now, and the lines will be horrendously long no matter when you decide to visit. If you plan on visiting the Expo over a span of more than one day, then I would recommend you dedicate one day entirely to seeing these two pavilions, and any other pavilion that requires a ridiculous wait (no joke). Hit up Japan right when the park opens, grab lunch, then visit Saudi Arabia, and you’re day is pretty much over.
13. If I had to sum up the Expo with an analogy it would be this: The 2010 Shanghai Expo is like losing your virginity (from a girl’s perspective). Obviously, I can’t say that I have any first hand experience, but it goes something like this: all the countries are basically competing for whoever has the biggest IMAX screen (*ahem*, Saudi Arabia) and the loudest sound system (*cough*, Spain). But at the end of the day, what appears to be spectacular on the outside, and after hours of anticipation, it’s suddenly over before you know it. (Girls, I hope this does not accruately describe your personal experience, but unfortunately, popular culture says otherwise.)
14. LESSON LEARNED (if there is one): most of the country pavilions are overrated, and are ultimately not worth the wait. I think it would be smart to check out as many pavilions as you can, and not just aim for the big dogs. Many of the smaller countries have much more reasonable waits, and are just as exciting (Denmark comes to mind). I think it may also be worth your time to check out the Corporate and Urban Planning Pavilions in the Puxi district. While these sound boring as hell, many of them are much more interactive (the Liverpool one has a virtual soccer penalty shootout), and offer a lot of free goodies to early visitors (though they’ll probably be gone by the time you visit). Plus, the lines are actually reasonable.

(Maybe my browser is just retarded, but the first digit of all the two digit numbers are cut off. So no I’m not a retard and those numbers are supposed to go to 14.)

Well there they are, the Fourteen Points! (I wonder how many of you got that reference). Hope you enjoyed reading them. I’ll add more if anything else comes to mind, or/if I decide to visit the Expo again before I leave Shanghai.