Sometimes, one of the biggest challenges of starting a new career is learning the jargon that is essential to your everyday work. While this is a legitimate concern for those entering a highly technical or specialized field such as medicine or engineering, it is less of an issue for those working in finance and in particular investment banking, where the majority of the “technical” terms used are either self-explanatory and/or used almost exclusively to give the impression of sounding smarter than one actually is. While this is generally acceptable in the context of work-related discussions, there are certain terms that bankers love that absolutely drive me up the wall. Below, I list five of my most hated expressions in finance/banking, and why I think they should not be allowed. To make things more interesting, I also try to come up with an even more obnoxious (and usually entire nonsensical) version of each one.

 

“Buddy (bud)/pal”: for whatever reason, everyone that a banker knows who is not immediate family is either a “buddy” or “pal.”

• Why it’s stupid: It makes you sound like you’re in 3rd grade. Seriously. Not convinced? Just add the modifier “best” in front of those terms, and you realize that you can’t describe your best friend without sounding like you’re 10 years old. What ever happened to just “friend” or “acquaintance?” SMH.
• But even more annoying… “comrade/crony”: you can either sound like a Communist or a pirate, take your pick.

“Out of pocket”: for 99.99% of the world’s population, the term “out of pocket” refers to a type of expense that is paid by an individual rather than by a business or insurance company, e.g., “My dental plan only covered $20 of the $100 bill, the rest I paid out of pocket.” But for those in finance (and perhaps the corporate world in general), “out of pocket” has recently evolved to mean “out of the office” or “unavailable.”

• Why it’s stupid: It makes no sense. Period. Unlike the general accounting meaning of the term, where “out of pocket” refers to literally paying expenses out of one’s own pocket, none of the words in this phrase have anything to do with being unavailable. Yes, I’m aware of the football term of a quarterback being “out of THE pocket,” (where the pocket is a defined area) but note the critical addition of the word “the.” If someone actually has a semi-logical explanation of how “out of pocket” = “out of the office,” I’d love to hear it. But until then, the phrase is officially on the top 10 of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard in my life.
• But even more annoying… “under the shed”: no, it means absolutely nothing. Now you know how I feel.

“Circle back“: it’s often used in lieu of “revisit” or “come back to,” as in, “I’d love to keep talking about this, but I have another call right now. Let’s circle back in an hour.”

• Why it’s stupid: It’s unnecessary and misleading. Why are you moving in a circle in the first place? Can’t you come back to an item in a straight forward manner (like what people actually do in real life)? “Circle back” seems to imply that a lot of work is being done along the way (where no work is required), so I guess it’s no surprise that it is a banking favorite.
• But even more annoying… “take the roundabout to”: continuing with our circular theme and combining it with my least favorite traffic intersection leads us to this gem. Again, it makes no sense…its only purpose is to (1) annoy and (2) point out how stupid the first phrase is.

“Touch base”: to make contact with/get in touch with someone.

• Why it’s stupid: Okay, so this phrase gets props for having an etymology that actually makes sense. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, the term comes from baseball, where a runner is required to touch the base in order to make the run legal. Now, aside from the fact that I dislike baseball (perhaps a story for another day), the reason why this phrase is stupid is mainly because of how it is used in the modern day. You see, the only appropriate time to use an (annoying) phrase like this is either at the start of a conversation or at the end of one. However, if you use it at the beginning (“Hi Bob, I just wanted to call to touch base on…”), it becomes completely redundant. Yes, the fact that you’re calling me makes it clear that you’re indeed contacting me regarding something. On the other hand, using the phrase at the end of the conversation (“Ok Bob, let’s touch base on this later.”) is almost always too vague. Yes, I know we need to talk again, but when, and how? Touching base gives me absolutely no idea how the follow-up conversation is going to happen.
• But even more annoying… “hit helmets”: see, not all sports analogies work.

“Color”: no, no, no, we’re not talking about “hue” (you know, the one that involves your eyes and light bouncing off stuff), or someone’s character (“he showed his true colors”), or even the hypothetical property of quarks. In fact, Merriam-Webster has 15 distinct definitions of the word “color,” NONE of which fit with how the term is actually used in finance. So what does it actually mean? “Details, or information.” Confused? Well maybe an example will help. If a research analyst asks the CEO of a company, “Can you provide some more color on last quarter’s capex numbers?” he is basically asking if the CEO can provide more information on the company’s capital expenditures.

• Why it’s stupid: I don’t know who first started using this term, but if I ever find out, I will promptly go back in time and punch him in the face. How you could take such a basic word from the English language and turn it into something completely nonsensical is beyond me, but I swear if I had a dollar for every time I heard someone throw that word around in an attempt to sound smart, I would be able to retire and live the rest of my life in comfort.
• But even more annoying… “gradience”: how do you beat out the most annoying word of all time? Come up with something that (literally) means the same thing but sounds 100 times more pretentious. The best part? Gradience isn’t even a real word, since gradient is already a noun. But hey, doesn’t it sound so much cooler and intellectual?

 

Can you think of more words that coworkers use that drive you crazy (cough, cough, *synergistically*)? Post them below!